Untitled Verse

Some days, in many ways
My feelings overwhelm me.
Totally surrounding me
Making me feel lost...
Please come find me.

Some days, in many ways
I realize my weaknesses,
My failings and my faults.
Nonetheless, I can't get stressed.
I know I'm blessed!

Some days, in many ways
I come to know myself.
What I can and cannot do;
What I like and what I hate.
Don't make me hate you...
I truly want to love you.

Some days, in many ways
I feel myself getting stronger
The longer
I find myself in this fight.
With all my might
I find the strength to stand.

Some days, in many ways
My eyesight gets clearer
To HIM I draw nearer
That I might see what HE has planned
And just what is in store for me.

Every day, in so many ways
I have to say 'Thank You'
To the Father of All
Who knows all, sees all
understands all,
And yet loves us all.

A DCreations Original (copyright) 2005

Pass the Kleenex...*sniff*

I need a good cry…just to be able to sit and let the tears flow like miniature streams that flow into the river and create a pool under my chin.

I need to wail… to cry out as if someone close to me had died… sob until my sobs turn into moans… I just need a good cry…

It is said that crying brings a release… and that God bottles up your tears… He needs to get out a gallon sized jug cuz I have many a tear bottled up inside these eyes…

I wish I could risk doing it in my car… but dang it… its hard to see with tears in your eyes… and I wish I could do it once I get home… can’t do that… I have 3 sets of bright eyes watching me… needing me to be their pillar of strength…besides… remember how you felt when you saw your mama cry… I know it makes me sick in the pit of my stomach right now today to see Mama cry…I wouldn’t want my babies to feel like that.

I know… maybe I could cry for 5 minutes … nope… I’m afraid that if I start… 5 minutes just will not be long enough for me to get it all out… and if I start… who knows… I may never stop…

I know you ask… why don’t you just go for it… cry… let it out… *sigh*

I wish I could… but you know how it is… when YOU are the strong one…when YOU are the stable one… the one EVERYBODY leans on and looks to for strength… its HARD to find the time to cry…

You are so busy dealing with everyone else’s junk, comforting everyone else’s hurt… being everyone else’s shoulder… you just freaking don’t have time to nourish your own self… and nobody EVER thinks you should have a need to cry… heyyyyyyyyy you’re the one who has it all together… nothing EVER bothers you…

Welllllllllllll that person is who people THINK I am… I guess my winning smile and that feigned twinkle in my eye has everyone FOOLED…

But one day… I’m not going to hold back… I’m going to cry for old hurts… I’m going to cry for new disappointments… I will cry for every sacrifice I’ve had to make… I will cry for every wasted opportunity… I will cry for old and for new… and when I am finished… I am confident that I will be renewed… I will be refreshed… I will be refurbished… ready to be that strong one that everyone needs me to be…

If they would just let me cry….

Today I am feeling this song....

Slowly surely, I walk away from
that old desperate and dazed love
caught up in the maze of love
the crazy craze of love
thought it was good
thought it was real
thought it was but it wasn't love
I just don't know
Where i should go

So Slowly surely I walk away from
self-serving undeserving
constantly hurting me love
deserting me love
you said, I said, we said but
Slowly surely I walk away from
confusing love misusing love abusing love
this can't be

Slowly surely I walk away from
self serving undeserving
constantly hurting me love
I just don't know where I should go
No I just don't know know, know, know
Where I should go so

Slowly surely I walk away from
that old desperate and dazed love
caught up in the maze of love
the crazy craze of love
thought it was good
thought it was real
thought it was but it wasn't love
I just don't know where to go

So Slowly surely I walk away from
I walk away from
Slowly surely I walk away from love
Oh slowlyy, surely one step at a time but
surely I will pass the old love aside and love me
slowly, surely I walk away from
slowly surely I walk away from desperate love
caught up in the maze love
crazy crazy craze of love
slowly surely, I walk away from....
Slooooooowly.....
Suuuuuuurely....

I know... I am always posting a song and analyzing its lyrics...
I am a music lover... and music truly timestamps my life...

I remember when I FULLY understood this song for more than the laid back beat... I remember how hard it was to actually turn my back on a very toxic relationship. I contemplated murder... I lied and schemed and pretended I was happy towards the end of this chaotic situation... there were so many lies between us... he says he didnt have the strength to hurt me by walking out of my life... while hurting me by lying and cheating on me...*shrug* No I didnt and still dont understand THAT logic... but...
The day came when I began to disconnect from him... little by little I stopped the arguments... I stopped asking questions... I stopped caring... and when he had the nerve to tell me that he was breaking up with me because I didnt seem interested in him and the relationship anymore... I just looked at him and laughed...

I said ... "Ok... I wish you love... a love that rocks your very soul... "
He stands there looking like I had just cussed him out for nothing... not knowing what to say...
"Uh... yeah... " then he says..."Baby, what went wrong with us?"
Now you know that at THAT moment I could have just went on a tirade and pulled out my laundry list of needs unmet and let him have it...but me being me... I couldnt do it... why? cuz I didnt care...
I proceeded to just turn around... and walk away from him and this situation...
I walked away...
And I know I am much better woman for it.

Do ya know me?

YEP... I stole this concept... but Imma modify it just a tad if ya don't mind ....

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. If you're a guy, do you have a crush on me?
5. If you're a guy, would you kiss me? If yes, where? LOL
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it?
7. Describe me in one word?
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

A Sense of Family

My friends all know that I had a baby last winter.
And for the longest time, my son's father and I have been on bad terms.
But this past weekend, my mom desired to visit our family in TX. This is where my son's father and his family lives. I didn't tell him I was going to be in the area, but my son's grandmother called and I mentioned it to her. She asked if I would please allow her to see the baby. No problem, right? She is Grandma after all. Not that we even talked about her son more than her saying she hadn't seen him in a while and he hasn't called. I assumed I would be able to make my visit with her and it would be all good. Ever hear of Murphy's Law? If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. LOL... not that everything went wrong, its just that as soon as my son and I are settled in and really having a good visit... he comes walking in the door. She, my son's grandmother, starts smiling really big. At that moment I knew I'd been set up. *sigh*
My son is looking around, and spots his dad. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY did this child, who really does not take to strange men, reach out to this man with outstretched arms? I was thinking... this kid doesn't even KNOW this man... and he is smiling and doing the little thing he does when I pick him up from daycare... like he is excited to see him. Something inside me was crushed. I kinda wanted him to feel the sting of his youngest son's rejection. But something within my son, who is less than one year old, knew this man was family. I couldnt deny what I saw... and what I felt in that room. This kid had a sense of where he had come from. I am amazed at the perceptive skills of this little one.

All in all, we had a good visit. Dad and I were cordial, the baby was blissful, sitting in the arms of grandparents he'd never known until that day, and then, pulling the beard of his father. We looked like family. In a sense, we are.