My Sugahboogah is a year old today!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Just wanted to share that with you guys...

Ok back to your regularly scheduled blog readings...

lol!

Anybody want some kids?

I wonder... no... ponder on the issues of adoption...

I know that babies are a hot commodity...

adorable
cuddly
innocent and new...

this is what most people desire

but the older children...
no one really wants them

why?

I wonder what are the circumstances
that cause these children to need good homes...

Did mama and dad die?

are they crackheads?

is there no one in the blood line capable?

are they problem children?

what it is?

for mine ( the older 2) I will tell the truth

their mom is just sick of their crap...

Serious!

I don't really mean to trivialize the woes of older kids in the system...
but if my older two don't get it together... they will be a part of that system... cuz
Mama just cannot take it anymore....

*sniff*

Who do you love? Are you for sure?

Listening to some ol' skool rap and r&b... I heard LL doing the song Loungin'... and the hook got me to thinking about some of the things we say...

"I love the skin I'm in..."

"I am just me... love me or hate me..."

"I love myself unconditionally..."

"If I don't love, me who will?"



I have said these things to myself... and I now have to wonder if I truly am telling the truth...
I don't hold myself to the standard of love for me that I would hold a man coming into my life...

I lie to myself sometimes (I will start my diet tomorrow)...
I cheat on myself (when I was trying to be celibate for whatever reason and I talked myself into doin it with someone I didnt love...ugh!)
I treat my body badly( lawd I could overdose on chocolate)...
I take unnecessary risks (seatbelts work to save lives)...

I hadda ask myself... Who DO you love? and are you for sure? I am learning that we do not have a healthy love for self ... one that will make us better or wiser.

I resolve to learn how to love myself enough not to lie to myself...
I resolve to learn how to take my safety more seriously...
I resolve to learn how to take care of me by eating better and exercising more...
I resolve to not cheat myself nor cheat on myself...I am God's woman... until He gives me away... I aint got nothin for these menfolks...lol


Now ask yourself... do you really love you? Are you sure?

New Math

I breathe you every moment of my day
Blessed to touch your essence
Dazzled by your presence,
Even when you’re not here.

Deeply…
I breathe
(inhale)
And…

You inhabit my soul
Joining your self to me
Your heart banging in my chest
You thinking my thoughts
Your blood flowing in my veins
Certainly now I can rest because
The twain has become one.

1+1=1
You and me
Are one
You plus me
Equals us
I in you and you in me
Equals we…
And nothing else matters.

What's on YOUR list?

I know ... I'm skipping Thanksgiving ... but not really... we are supposed to think about Christmas in plenty of time so that we aren't rushing and maxing out credit cards trying to get the "perfect" gift for our loved ones... so I think my post really is late... alas... here goes!

If you could have the perfect, most extravagant gift... something you wouldn't DARE think of buying for yourself... what would it be?

I, personally, would ACCEPT an all expense paid trip to ANYWHERE away from here ... one week living in the lap of luxury would be just the ticket! I need a BREAK... away from school... from bills... from kids... wait... no... I'd have to have my babies with me... but can I have nannies for each one of them? LOL Seriously... I have to see my kids everyday or I am not functioning at full potential. But I digress... this post isn't about that...

Now... 2nd question...What is the most extravagant gift you would like to buy for someone if you could handle the expense?

Me... I would like to take my mom on a week long cruise... all expenses paid... I know a week doesn't sound like a lot... but I know Mama... she will start wanting her own bed after 4 days... she will muddle through the last 3...lol
AND... I would love to give my son a big screen TV just for playing his XBoX...
AND... I would love to get my daughter a larger bedroom... decorated from top to bottom by Pottery Barn Kids... painted to her specifications... letting her pick out just whatever!
AND finally to my Tre' Tre'... I would love to give him a life sized Elmo doll along with all the decorations for his nursery... he thinks Elmo is the bomb! LOL


Although Christmas isn't totally about the gifts... we all love giving them... and we certainly love receiving them... right?

looking for your answers people... Q^Q

Send Flowers...

In mourning for the dead
I take the time to shed
Tears
That allow me to cleanse my spirit
Of you.
Your touch,
Your smile,
Your hugs,
Your kisses,
Those wonderful things, I’ll be missing.
The way you swagger when you walk.
The southern drawl when you talk
All these things will be laid to rest.
Gotta think of me and what is best.
You had taken residence in my dome,
In my heart, you had a home
But now the time has come
Because we both know you’re not the one
Who’s worthy of this space
So a funeral must take place.
The man I once knew is no more.
The man I see now has made my heart sore
With all his false promises
His lies and neglect.
Like a noose around my neck
Had a hold on me.
But I’ve let go.
I say good-bye to you, my hopes and dreams
They’re gone to hell with you,
Or so it seems.

Untitled Verse

Some days, in many ways
My feelings overwhelm me.
Totally surrounding me
Making me feel lost...
Please come find me.

Some days, in many ways
I realize my weaknesses,
My failings and my faults.
Nonetheless, I can't get stressed.
I know I'm blessed!

Some days, in many ways
I come to know myself.
What I can and cannot do;
What I like and what I hate.
Don't make me hate you...
I truly want to love you.

Some days, in many ways
I feel myself getting stronger
The longer
I find myself in this fight.
With all my might
I find the strength to stand.

Some days, in many ways
My eyesight gets clearer
To HIM I draw nearer
That I might see what HE has planned
And just what is in store for me.

Every day, in so many ways
I have to say 'Thank You'
To the Father of All
Who knows all, sees all
understands all,
And yet loves us all.

A DCreations Original (copyright) 2005

Pass the Kleenex...*sniff*

I need a good cry…just to be able to sit and let the tears flow like miniature streams that flow into the river and create a pool under my chin.

I need to wail… to cry out as if someone close to me had died… sob until my sobs turn into moans… I just need a good cry…

It is said that crying brings a release… and that God bottles up your tears… He needs to get out a gallon sized jug cuz I have many a tear bottled up inside these eyes…

I wish I could risk doing it in my car… but dang it… its hard to see with tears in your eyes… and I wish I could do it once I get home… can’t do that… I have 3 sets of bright eyes watching me… needing me to be their pillar of strength…besides… remember how you felt when you saw your mama cry… I know it makes me sick in the pit of my stomach right now today to see Mama cry…I wouldn’t want my babies to feel like that.

I know… maybe I could cry for 5 minutes … nope… I’m afraid that if I start… 5 minutes just will not be long enough for me to get it all out… and if I start… who knows… I may never stop…

I know you ask… why don’t you just go for it… cry… let it out… *sigh*

I wish I could… but you know how it is… when YOU are the strong one…when YOU are the stable one… the one EVERYBODY leans on and looks to for strength… its HARD to find the time to cry…

You are so busy dealing with everyone else’s junk, comforting everyone else’s hurt… being everyone else’s shoulder… you just freaking don’t have time to nourish your own self… and nobody EVER thinks you should have a need to cry… heyyyyyyyyy you’re the one who has it all together… nothing EVER bothers you…

Welllllllllllll that person is who people THINK I am… I guess my winning smile and that feigned twinkle in my eye has everyone FOOLED…

But one day… I’m not going to hold back… I’m going to cry for old hurts… I’m going to cry for new disappointments… I will cry for every sacrifice I’ve had to make… I will cry for every wasted opportunity… I will cry for old and for new… and when I am finished… I am confident that I will be renewed… I will be refreshed… I will be refurbished… ready to be that strong one that everyone needs me to be…

If they would just let me cry….

Today I am feeling this song....

Slowly surely, I walk away from
that old desperate and dazed love
caught up in the maze of love
the crazy craze of love
thought it was good
thought it was real
thought it was but it wasn't love
I just don't know
Where i should go

So Slowly surely I walk away from
self-serving undeserving
constantly hurting me love
deserting me love
you said, I said, we said but
Slowly surely I walk away from
confusing love misusing love abusing love
this can't be

Slowly surely I walk away from
self serving undeserving
constantly hurting me love
I just don't know where I should go
No I just don't know know, know, know
Where I should go so

Slowly surely I walk away from
that old desperate and dazed love
caught up in the maze of love
the crazy craze of love
thought it was good
thought it was real
thought it was but it wasn't love
I just don't know where to go

So Slowly surely I walk away from
I walk away from
Slowly surely I walk away from love
Oh slowlyy, surely one step at a time but
surely I will pass the old love aside and love me
slowly, surely I walk away from
slowly surely I walk away from desperate love
caught up in the maze love
crazy crazy craze of love
slowly surely, I walk away from....
Slooooooowly.....
Suuuuuuurely....

I know... I am always posting a song and analyzing its lyrics...
I am a music lover... and music truly timestamps my life...

I remember when I FULLY understood this song for more than the laid back beat... I remember how hard it was to actually turn my back on a very toxic relationship. I contemplated murder... I lied and schemed and pretended I was happy towards the end of this chaotic situation... there were so many lies between us... he says he didnt have the strength to hurt me by walking out of my life... while hurting me by lying and cheating on me...*shrug* No I didnt and still dont understand THAT logic... but...
The day came when I began to disconnect from him... little by little I stopped the arguments... I stopped asking questions... I stopped caring... and when he had the nerve to tell me that he was breaking up with me because I didnt seem interested in him and the relationship anymore... I just looked at him and laughed...

I said ... "Ok... I wish you love... a love that rocks your very soul... "
He stands there looking like I had just cussed him out for nothing... not knowing what to say...
"Uh... yeah... " then he says..."Baby, what went wrong with us?"
Now you know that at THAT moment I could have just went on a tirade and pulled out my laundry list of needs unmet and let him have it...but me being me... I couldnt do it... why? cuz I didnt care...
I proceeded to just turn around... and walk away from him and this situation...
I walked away...
And I know I am much better woman for it.

Do ya know me?

YEP... I stole this concept... but Imma modify it just a tad if ya don't mind ....

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. If you're a guy, do you have a crush on me?
5. If you're a guy, would you kiss me? If yes, where? LOL
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it?
7. Describe me in one word?
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

A Sense of Family

My friends all know that I had a baby last winter.
And for the longest time, my son's father and I have been on bad terms.
But this past weekend, my mom desired to visit our family in TX. This is where my son's father and his family lives. I didn't tell him I was going to be in the area, but my son's grandmother called and I mentioned it to her. She asked if I would please allow her to see the baby. No problem, right? She is Grandma after all. Not that we even talked about her son more than her saying she hadn't seen him in a while and he hasn't called. I assumed I would be able to make my visit with her and it would be all good. Ever hear of Murphy's Law? If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. LOL... not that everything went wrong, its just that as soon as my son and I are settled in and really having a good visit... he comes walking in the door. She, my son's grandmother, starts smiling really big. At that moment I knew I'd been set up. *sigh*
My son is looking around, and spots his dad. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY did this child, who really does not take to strange men, reach out to this man with outstretched arms? I was thinking... this kid doesn't even KNOW this man... and he is smiling and doing the little thing he does when I pick him up from daycare... like he is excited to see him. Something inside me was crushed. I kinda wanted him to feel the sting of his youngest son's rejection. But something within my son, who is less than one year old, knew this man was family. I couldnt deny what I saw... and what I felt in that room. This kid had a sense of where he had come from. I am amazed at the perceptive skills of this little one.

All in all, we had a good visit. Dad and I were cordial, the baby was blissful, sitting in the arms of grandparents he'd never known until that day, and then, pulling the beard of his father. We looked like family. In a sense, we are.

Free Yourself

So sings Ms. Fantasia.....

Baby you don't pay me no mind
You act like you don't love me no more
Maybe you need space or some time
Your attitude is uppredictable and I don't want to make you unhappy
If your not happy then you're free to go on cuz I don't want you stayin around if I make you so
Miserable

[Chorus]
If you don't want me then don't talk to me (if you don't want me then don't talk to me)
Go ahead and free yourself (go ahead and free yourself)
If you don't want me then don't talk to me (if you don't want me then don't talk to me)
Go ahead to someone else (go ahead to someone else)
If you don't want me then don't talk to me (if you don't want me then don't talk to me)
Go ahead and free yourself (go ahead and free yourself)
If you don't want me then don't talk to me (if you don't want me then don't talk to me)
Go ahead to someone else (go ahead to someone else)

[Bridge]
Time again and again I tried
I tried (baby don't you know I tried)
but the love I had inside has
Died
has died (but the love I had inside)
Wont you be a man if it's over and just admit that things aint the same instead of making me
Think its all good
Between us which one's the blame
I took a lot of too much to handle until I can't take this game no more this love thing is full
Of scandal so you welcome to walk

[Chorus]
If you don't want me then don't talk to me (if you don't want me then don't talk to me)
Go ahead and free yourself.


Now I am NOT gonna bash this song... I love this song... in fact I downloaded the song as one of my ringtones... lol

BUT... I have questions concerning this song...

WHY does she give HIM the power of ending a relationship that she knows is failing? She speaks of how they, as a couple, are deteriorating. WHY doesn't SHE walk away?

Is this the way we as women handle relationships that are no good for us? Once things change, do we wait to see if things will change back?

Don't we know that some men will keep us around as "options"... you know... like that red shirt that they haven't worn but won't throw away because they MIGHT wear it one day?

Come on people... talk to me about this.

100 Truths... (borrowed)

1. I am a Taurean Female. Yeah... STUBBORN...lol
2. I have 4 siblings, 2 brothers, two sisters.
3. My biological father died of cancer
4. My last husband died 11 years ago.
5. I've never had my 15 minutes of fame... where is it??!!
6. I hate being wrong.
7. I can be the best friend you want to have.
8. I am confrontational.
9. I'm not afraid to use the word "fat".
10. I'm not as strong as people think I am.
11. I don't eat healthy most times.
12. I think I have the talent to make CD's.
13. I wish I could play the keyboards.
14. I speak ebonics too fluently.
15. I like to do grocery shopping at 2 am.
16. I snore.
17. All of my natural grandparents have died.
18. I have pretty feet and hands.
19. I hate disappointing anyone.
20. I hate the outdoors unless its the beach.
21. I hate being called sexy... can I just turn it off???
22. I have an illegitimate child.
23. I am addicted to chocolate.
24. I learn words to songs very quickly.
25. I love to smile.
26. I would rather read the book before I watch the movie.
27. I once wanted to be a high dollar call girl.

28. On Sunday mornings, I wish I could sleep late.
29. I wish I could grow long hair.
30. I start Christmas shopping way too late.
31. I hate driving.
32. I have cheated in relationships.
33. I've been married twice, engaged four times, widowed once.
34. I have an amazing memory when it comes to useless facts and information.
35. I don't like to cry in front of people.
36. I am a sexual abuse survivor.
37. I sometimes wish I never lost my virginity.
38. I've never broken a bone in my body.
39. I am afraid of losing my mother.
40. I can count the number of "friends" on one hand.
41. I've never been on a cruise.
42. I'm afraid of drowning.
43. I love my bed.
44. I've pursued a man before, even when he wasn't really into me.
45. I'm opinionated.
46. I like arguing sometimes.
47. I never get enough sleep.
48. I believe that what you give is what you get back .
49. I don't believe that you are what you attract.
50. I love to sing.
51. Taking care of people comes naturally to me.
52. I hate people sometimes.
53. I hate being called "sweet".
54. I learn from some of my mistakes.
55. I don't like surprises.
56. I love God. I am learning to honor Him more.
57. I think common sense and common courtesy should be taught in school.
58. I don't want to die.
59. I'm really not as cool or as open as I put myself out to be. Actually NERD fits... lol
60. I used to be addicted to the internet.
61. I believe in the power of love
62. First impressions aren't necessarily lasting impressions.
63. I am NOT a morning person, but I fake it.
64. I like watching people.
65. I hate shopping.
66. I used to be really shy.
67. I am a recovering sex addict.
68. I want a tattoo.
69. I wish I had the courage to get my nose pierced.
70. I hate being told no.
71. I have never taken illegal drugs.
72. I have had 4 threesomes.
73. I procrastinate.
74. I write poetry.
75. I like my music loud.
76. I believe that knowledge IS power.
77. I want to visit Paris, France.
78. I am right handed.
79. I am unorganized.
80. I am friendly.
81. I go to Wal-Mart to relax.
82. It's hard for me to accept compliments.
83. I have lost 2 babies due to spontaneous abortion ( misscarriages).
84. I don't think abortion is a solution.
85. I think women should know themselves and be in control of their lives.
86. I hate ignorance.
87. I love the power of words.
88. I want to get married again.
89. I have knowingly slept with married men.
90. I enjoy a good glass of wine.
91. I believe in soulmates.
92. I'm basically a loner.
93. I have no secrets... I am an open book if you dare to turn the pages.
94. I am an avid reader.
95. I wish I had finished my degree sooner.
96. I'm thinking about having plastic surgery.
97. I love scented candles.
98. I am bad about returning phone calls.
99. I love recklessly .
100. I love me.

Beware of Strangers!!!

Why I entertain strangers on my IM is still a mystery to me...
check out this pseudo conversation....
*still shakin my head*



**********: sup ma
choklitsilk02: who is ma?
**********: you shawty
**********: mami
choklitsilk02: naw... son... that isnt me
**********: ma is short for mami
choklitsilk02: ok... I know that... I just hate the term
choklitsilk02: that and shawty...
**********: well say that
choklitsilk02: I may be short...
choklitsilk02: but I am nobody's shawty
**********: then you would hate for me to say shawty
choklitsilk02: yes... I dont like that term either
choklitsilk02: thing is... why do guys think women like being called that crap?
**********: wats ur name
choklitsilk02: You can call me Silk
**********: did your mother name u silk
choklitsilk02: my mama didnt name me mami or shawty... and you thought to call me that... so ... *shrug*... does that matter?
**********: yes why cant i call you by your real name instead of callin you something that your birth name
**********: aint ur birth name
choklitsilk02: why u didnt ask me my birth name BEFORE you found stuff to address me with?choklitsilk02: you can call me Silk
**********: well when i read your bp page i didnt see a name but choklit
choklitsilk02: you didnt read well enough
choklitsilk02: my name IS there... if you were paying attention to something other than the picture

**********: im chocolate and i know you dont taste as good as i

**********: okkkk
choklitsilk02: I never said I tasted good... I dont have to say it... too many OTHERS have said and continue to say it
**********: i hear ya barking
choklitsilk02: I need references?
choklitsilk02: if so... trust... I can provide them
**********: goto my profile
choklitsilk02: why?
**********: here is my refrences
**********: look at all this chocolate
choklitsilk02: ok... I have no interest in seeing your webcam
choklitsilk02: I am at work...
choklitsilk02: besides... you dont have anything I havent already seen in my lifetime...
**********: ok sorry glad u told me you might be working in a police station last i heard they had an apb out for this chocolate fudge stick of mines
**********: bet 100 dollars to your twenty
choklitsilk02: please... you are in danger...of believing your own hype
choklitsilk02: get over it dude... a dick is a dick is a dick... yours works just like every other man's
**********: no mine is double breasted
choklitsilk02: Its obvious you are looking for some little girl to play web games with... I am a woman... and I dont have time for this...
choklitsilk02: ok?
**********: im 35 and i dont playgames aint that wat the screenname say
choklitsilk02: I see what it says... but I am checking out your talk... they dont match
**********: so u say
choklitsilk02: webcam during the day? webgames
*********: im not naked or anything you didnt have to worry
choklitsilk02: I aint worried... cuz I am not interested...
**********: your loss
choklitsilk02: not even close
choklitsilk02: cuz I didnt approach you
choklitsilk02: you approached me
choklitsilk02: so actually... its YOUR loss...
**********: so u say remember the name and thats playnogames Entertainment
choklitsilk02: well have fun entertaining the immature minds of the web... Peace

For Kim and Nora....

I finally read that bloggin mess yall put in my bloggin 360... I mean... what tha blog is wrong with you people??? LOL Just so you know... I didn't bloggin know how to do a feed for this bloggity blog... but since Ms. Nora's blogheadded self decided to post the link... you guys get the blog now thru Yahoo's bloggin 360... now enjoy the posts... and yall betta bloggin post... yall bloggity blog blog blogheads...
I love yall... lol

Starting Over...

Spring sprung... Summer was hot... and now we are at the brink of the Fall season...
I like the changing of the seasons... and I am thinking of doing something different... I am thinking about cutting my hair... starting all over with a new head of hair.

It wont be the first time I've gone back to my roots... see ~>

it was fun... lets see how it works this time!

Yep Yep! YOU been tagged!!!

As it was said if you are reading this you have been tagged.....LOL
why??? cuz GLJ tagged me... aaaahhhhh hush! Just do it! LOL

LAST...
Movie you watched: Constantine
Movie you bought : Hotel Rwanda
Song you listened to: Something on Gospel Radio
CD you bought : : Jill Scott Beautifully Human
CD you listened to : Jill Scott
Person you've called : Darren
Person that's called you : My sister
TV show you watched : TV hasn't come on at all today

DO...
You have a crush on someone : nope
You wish you could live somewhere else : I do sometimes
You believe in online dating : its good for some folks helps them get to know each other but it must go offline...
You want more piercings : Yeah... I'd like a cute stud in my nose
You like roller coasters : Nope
You write in cursive or print : Cursive mixed with print

FOR OR AGAINST...
Long distance relationships : It could work
Gay/lesbian relationships : against

HAVE YOU...
Ever cried over a boy: Yes.
Ever cried over a girl : Yes
Ever lied to someone : Yes
Ever been in a fist fight : Imma lover not a fighter...lol

WHAT...
Shampoo do you use : motions
Shoes do you wear : anything to show my cute toes..lol
Are you scared of : dying before my kids grow up and growing old and alone.

NUMBER...
of times I have been in love? : 5
of times I have had my heart broken? : 3
of hearts I have broken? : dunno... nobody ever said I broke their heart
of times my name has appeared in the paper? : dunno... I dont reach for the B section of the paper...lol
of things in my past that I regret? : oooh... too many to count...

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
Pretty: My smile yes
Funny : sometimes.
Hot : No
Friendly : always
Amusing : yep
Ugly : I have done some things that may be considered ugly.
Loveable : to know me is to love me
Caring : sometimes to a fault
Sweet : yep
Dorky : sometimes

FAVORITE...
4 letter word : hush!
Actor/actress : Kimberly Elise
Cartoon : Backyardigans *NickJr.*
Cereal : Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Chewing gum : Doublemint
Color(s) : earthtones
Day of the week : Payday
Least fave day : no least fave
Flower : roses
Jelly flavor : Grape
Jewelry : my gold coin rings
Summer/Winter : Summer

WHO LAST...
Slept in your bed : me
Saw you cry : Everybody at prayer service
Made you cry : feeling the presence of the Lord
Yelled at you : my sister
Sent you an email: spammers

HAVE YOU EVER...
Said "I love you" and meant it? : Yes... every time
Kept a secret from everyone : no... I am horrible at keeping secrets
Cried during a movie : Yes
Planned your week based on the TV : nope.
Been backstage : no
Been to New York : No but I will one day.
Been to California : twice
Hawaii : Nope
China : Nope
Canada : Nope
Europe : Would love to go to France
Asia : No
South America : No
Africa : Nope but want to go
What time is it now? : 7:43 pm

This or That?..
Apples or bananas? : nanners
Blue or red? : Blue
Walmart or Target? : Walmart
.Spring or Fall? : Spring
.What are you gonna do after you finish this? : Head towards church... I'm late!
Was the last meal you ate? : lunch
Are you bored? : Never bored
Last noise you heard? : crickets in the trees
Last smell you sniffed? : did somebody fart??? LOL

Friendship/Love...
Do you believe in love at first sight? : Yes I think it can happen
Do you want children one day & if so, how many? : Got 3 thats enough for me.
Most important thing to you in a friendship is : Communication

Other Info ...
Do you speak any other languages? : some espanol, babytalk...lol
Last book you read? : Bible
Thing in your bedroom you like? : pillowtop never turn mattress on my bed
Your Nickname(s) : Dee, Niecy, Sugah, Babygirl
Initials : RDB
How old do you act? : How old am I sposed to act?
Glasses/Contacts : Glasses mostly... but contacts when I wanna look really cute
Braces : No
Do you have any pets? : no
You get embarrassed : yes
What makes you happy? : music... the smiles of my children... paid bills... lol
What upsets you? : People who wont do what they say they gonna do
Finish the sentence...I Love to... sing.
I Miss...being married
I Am Annoyed by... hard sell sales people
I Want to be... a best selling writer
I Would Never... steal
I Am Tired of...this dang survey!
I Will Always... Love my Savior and work to please HIM!

whew! glad that's over!

Be Warmed and Filled...

5 Miles to empty
My heart is running low
I need a good man to fill me up
I need a good man to give me lovin'...

~Brownstone~


ok... what is it about some of us? Vast voids inside our emotions and our pschyes (sp) that we think only a pair of bulging biceps (and every other virile body part) of the male species can fill?

I used to think that my empty feeling came from being widowed once upon a time... you know... once having tasted the heavenly gift of marital bliss (whateva)...and all that jazz...
but if we really tell the truth... I mean get right down to where the rubber meets the road...those of us who have been in majorly committed relationships know that even sometimes your man can be sitting right in your face... and you feel all alone... you feel that void...

What is it we crave? Is it sex? nah... can't be that basic... because why is it when we find that 5 minute explosion with whatever toy we use... we still feel empty... alone...void?

Is it the need to talk? If so... why is it that we can be on the phone or at lunch with our best friend that we sometimes have an overwhelming desire to be held?

Another thing... what man in his right mind would want someone who depends upon them for their wholeness? their completeness? *shudder*

I think we should take a good look at we really crave...
Love...
This is something many of us think we have NEVER experienced... True Love...
Or something so many of us think we have every time we encounter the next piece of flesh that suits our fancy and makes the nether regions tingle...

But thanks be to God... some of us really have love in our lives... and we really do not acknowledge it for what it is...
The love of our wonderful Savior...

The last year of my life has been ultra trying... and the one thing I know that was a constant was God's love... some days it carried me when I didnt think I could go another further..... some days it revived me when I just wanted to lay down and die..... some days it filled me when I was so hungry for what my flesh wanted that I could taste it...and some days it was a gentle breeze across my cheek... just to let me know He was still here with me... and that He... the God of all flesh... had MY back!

I admonish each and every one to allow God's love be what warms and fills us... just as God let Apostle Paul know that HIS Grace was sufficient... Allow the love of a Holy God to be sufficient... Let it fill you up ... heal you in all those broken places... warm all those places the sun refuses to shine upon and make you whole... then... when the right one comes ... you wont need him to fill you... you can just bask in more of the Love afforded to you by the one who love you most and loves you best... and me too!

An open letter to a fool(ish man):

I guess I will start with accepting my part in this whole fiasco. I… lover of the underdog… always willing to see potential… always wanting to help a brother come up in life… took more than was my share… and I trained you how to discredit and disrespect me… because I let it happen one time too many…

But you… you aren’t a kid anymore… and you shouldn’t NEED a good woman ( like me) to always hold your hand and show you how its done anymore…

What? How what’s done? Love, you fool!

I loved you with everything I had and some I didn’t … I took from the love of others important to me and GAVE it to you… and what did I get in return? Nothing worth getting…I can see why otherwise sane women lose it… become that psycho b*tch men always talking about… not me… not anymore…

I had let the love I had for you cause me to lose me… but guess what? I’m BACK… bigger and better… stronger and wiser… believe that!

At this point I think it makes sense to just give it all up… just stop loving you… and before you say anything about me being a Christian and about how I am SPOSED to love everybody… let me hit you with this….

Even God gave up on some folks… if you can find your bible…knock the dust off it and turn to the book of Romans… the very first chapter… should be easy to find…

God decided that there were some folks who He loved who just wouldn’t let Him love them to life… they refused to treasure the gifts God gave them… refused to honor the love God had for them…refused to be conformed to the image of love that He is… so he gave them up… and let them do whatever the natural hell and the spiritual hell they wanted to do…

This is me and you… whatever it is in hell (or a hoochie) you want… you can have it… you are now free to roam the nether regions of the underworld and whatever you get … you get… and guess what? Things won’t change… you’ll wind up alone… again…why? Cuz you just freaking don’t get it! You had the love of a bonafide grade A woman in your life… and you just didn’t get it!

Oh… and just like God… I can forgive… if… and that is a gargantuan IF… you repent (change your ways) but I ain’t holding my breath… cuz it’s the lives of me and mine that are most important to me…

Oh… I will still be me… because it isn’t in me to be nasty, mean vindictive, hateful, bitchy, and all those wonderful things you presently think about me… well let say that I am not that way unprovoked… God is still working on me… but at least I am a work IN PROGRESS… and there is something being shown in my TRYING…

But I just wanted to let you know… you aint gotta worry bout me… bout us… bout a thang… I got this… and its right on schedule… don’t get mad cuz you hear how well we are doing… don’t get mad cuz you get info second hand… don’t get mad… cuz you could have been priority… but since you treated me as an option… you got moved to the bottom of the totem pole… if not off… and please don’t get mad cuz you got left behind…and even if you do… who cares but you… cuz it’s not my problem anymore…

This experience has only made me a stronger woman... a phenomenal woman... and just like the phoenix rises out of the ashes... I arise!

Signed…Not Yo Holla Back Girl

Because of Calvary

Set me free, Oh Lord...
From myself, I pray...
Everytime You start to move in me...
I get in the way...
Always trying to see...
But nothing is clear to me...
You saw my beginning...
And You see my end...
So on You, Lord
I will depend...
~Tramaine Hawkins

It is because of Calvary that I can be made free
from all of the crazy things that come to try me...
It is because of HIS sacrifice that I can be released
from the chains in my mind and on my heart that come to bind me
It is because of HIS LOVE that I am made whole, added to the fold...
Called a son... and with HIM, I am ONE...
It is because of HIS Blood that I am washed...
Made clean...
And although it seems like Satan has me bound...
wrapped up and all turned around...
I am Free...
Because of Calvary.

Somebody Find the Key...

It may come, it may come as some surprise
but I miss you
I could see through all of your lies
but still I miss you
he takes her love, but it doesn't feel like mine
he tastes her kiss, her kisses are not wine, they're not mine
he takes, but surely she can't give what I'm feeling now
she takes, but surely she doesn't know how
Is it a crime
Is it a crime
that I still want you
and I want you to want me too
My love is wider, wider than Victoria Lake
My love is taller, taller than the empire state
It divides and it jumps and it ripples like the deepest ocean
I can't give you more than that, surely you want me back
Is it a crime
Is it a crime
that I still want you
and I want you to want me too
My love wider than Victoria Lake
taller than the empire state
It dives and it jumps
I can't give you more than that, surely you want me back
Is it a crime
Is it a crime
that I still want you
and I want you to want me too
~Sade


If it is... Lock me up!
Soulties are nothing to play with...
I find myself fighting the urge to allow someone, who clearly doesn't deserve passage in my space, back all up in my face...
Whyyyyyyyyyyy??? Because I miss him...
I miss what we used to have...
I miss our conversations...
I miss his scent...
I miss the taste of his kiss...
I hate that I still love him...
He has caused me much hurt and pain...
But...
I still love him...
And under the "girlfriend code" I am wrong for it...
I see why Sade wrote this song...
Is it a crime to want someone you love
even if that love has cost you?
When you learn how to love someone
unconditionally... (or is it that you are tied to them still??)
surely you can do what I Corinthians says... bear all things...right?
I don't think I will act upon what I am feeling...
but I must admit... feeling like this makes me want to cry...

My Musings...

Ok ... bare with me on this one... this came about as a result of a conversation I had with my youngest's dad...and as I pondered on the things said... all this popped into my head... can't rightly call it poetry... cuz it aint flowin... just a little prose ... my thoughts...



On the first occasion...
I can't think of what to call it...
LUST????
I dunno...
I just know how I felt...
HUNGRY!!!
And you satisfied my insatiable appetite.
As the hours passed
And the Trojan wrappers hit the floor....
Without the spoken word...
You knew just what my body was looking for...

On the second occasion...
I knew you better...
We'd made the effort to talk...
Shared our stories... our dreams, our faults...
Became intimate friends...
But I must admit...
I couldn't forget my first hit...
I had to have you again...
But it was more than needing my legs to shake...
You had already caused an earthquake
In my heart...
Shook me to the very core...
I wanted so much more...
I wanted to be something to somebody
And that somebody was you...
But I played it cool...
I knew the rules...
We were "just friends."

On the third occasion...
We made LOVE...
I say that because
Love was the product of this encounter...
Mommy's precious son...
Mommy's special one...
Mommy's love...
He is the reason my spirit keeps coming back to you...
We are tied...
And although things are not the same...
And time and circumstances have brought about a change...
I can see beyond the physical...
Look into the ethereal...
There is no doubt...
Our Love Still Remains...

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

guess who is posting from work!?

Yeppers!! I finally got a decent job with ok pay... but I ain't complaining... it means I can pay bills ya know?

anyway I must sign off so I can prepare my desk to look as if I am actually working and not hanging out on the internet all day... lol...

oh wait... its 5 pm... everybody's going home... lol

anyway... I am grateful for the opportunity to chill out at my computer at work!

Peace!

Grieving...

On Friday, my granddad died...

When the phone rang at 7 am, I knew it was about my granddad.
Granddad had been given 6 months to live two years ago. Cancer... *shudder*
But being the kind of man that Granddad was, he beat the odds. At 89, he begin to run from cancer ... and it took it 2 yrs to catch up with him... I think that's some pretty good running at his age. No chemotherapy, just a little bit of medicine for the pain. But when Granddad began to deteriorate, it seems it happened overnight. All of a sudden, Granddad's eyesight failed him. Then confusion crept upon him; he'd get lost in the house trying to go to the bathroom or back to his bedroom from the kitchen. Then he didn't have energy to get up from the bed. Then, his appetite left him. While the death sentance had been outrun nearly two years, it only took two months for it to grab hold of him and wrestle him to the ground.

I don't think I have fully processed it yet... tears have not come for me...
Even though I am the one who is working on the funeral arrangements, typing up the program and the death announcement for the local paper, I still have not felt the loss yet. My mom and my auntie who has been here for him till he took his last breath are holding up well... but they are letting the tears come. I still have not had a tear to come. The wake is Thursday night and the funeral is Friday afternoon... maybe I will allow the tears to come then... but what will probably happen is this... when everyone else has gone home... and things slow down, and there is no family to cater to, and everything slows down... I can get a good cry... and say my personal good-bye to my Granddad.

Something to do for the Summer

Ok... a sista can't find a job.... can't even work temp.... so... I enrolled in summer classes.... and lawd lawd lawd lawd! my professor works my nerves!! She's very nice... but if she doesn't waste sooooo much time! She is getting a test ready for us but has she gone over the material adequately???? HECK NO!!! and if she goes off on ONE more TANGENT... IMMA SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Another Year Older... Another Year Wiser?

I recently turned 39... feeling good.... looking good!
Looking back over my life... you know... doing a little bit of reflecting....
I realize that as I got older, I didnt necessarily make wise choices always...
I missed so much in my younger years... I wasnt able to go to the prom, or parties.
My parents didnt allow me to go to the games.... and I certainly wasnt allowed date.
So when I got old enough to make my own decisions, old enough to do what I wanted to, it seems like I went awry....totally outta control.
But in the last couple of years, it seems like I have leveled off...
Choosing more things that make sense... good sense for me and for my babies.
But it seems like when it comes to matters of the heart,
I am still a fool for love...
Tall, handsome, sexy lips and eyes....
Making me melt...
Mannnnnnn!!
Lord help me not to be an old fool!

Where are all the JOBS???????

* here I sit with tin cup in hand*

seriously... I have been looking for decent job since late January. I've applied for so many jobs, using so many of the help wanted online sites, you would think someone would have snatched me up with the skills I have. I have even applied and registered with temp agencies... to no avail.

Whats really going onnnnnnnnn!!!!

I have stuff I need to do! I have a household I must maintain. I have a car in need of repair. I have kid stuff to buy. I have enrichment programs I'd like to put the kids in. But no one seems to be hiring someone with my skills.

One thing I will say is this...

God has been faithful! My children and I haven't gone hungry one day. Nobody is wearing too little clothes or shoes. The baby always has diapers. I havent run out of gas. Bills are getting paid on. Nothing is shut off. God is a wonderful provider. We have what we need. Amen!

Sooooo...

I'm not complaining. I just want a job. So that I can help take care of the things I wanna handle. stuff beyond the basics. A sista wanna buy a skirt sometimes. I wanna travel some. Take some family pictures. Stuff like that. You know... live like normal folks.... not just be barely making it.

Anybody know of any openings? Holla!!

Fat Fat FAT!!!

*sigh*

I've always thought myself to be a beautiful and sexy big gal. Even while pregnant, I looked good because I didn't gain but a few pounds. I was able to wear my regular clothes while I was pregnant. Still very cute.... just rounder in the belly... lol!

My precious was born and I set out to do the best I could by him so I consulted a lactation specialist and nursed my son. 3 months later, he weaned himself and I was 57 lbs lighter. Yes! 57 pounds! I was elated to find that many of my clothes were too big... way to big! I felt good!

But now there is the problem of all the excess skin.... I feel like a jiggle bunny! When I move, my belly moves, the fat on my back shakes, the fat on my thighs jiggle, and the breasts have gone south!

I feel FAT! Juicy, jiggly FAT! ughhhhhhhhhhhh!

Can a sista borrow a about $10,000 for a body lift?

*sigh*

Life in the 'hood...

I was coming home from picking up my teenager from school the other day and while driving down the street we stopped at the traffic light. As I looked to check my mirrors, I saw a car pull up next to this truck... then a hand appeared out the passenger window... with a GUN! Next thing I know, shots ring out... 4 of them... and the car drives off...the driver hit with each shot... with his little kids in the back seat.

Needless to say I was so nervous, and surprised and afraid ... when the light changed, I drove on.... sure that I hadn't seen what I know I just saw... it happened so fast... I started to turn around and wait for the police... but I knew that I hadn't seen any thing that the authorities could use to apprehend the shooter. I decided to drive on home... but the incident wouldnt' leave my mind. I kept checking the news to see if there were any reports concerning the incident... I was appalled to find that nothing was on the 6 or 10 pm news shows. I guess folks getting shot down in the 'hood isn't priority news. Word concerning this story didnt air till the next day. But that night, the words to this piece came to me:

Shot down
like a dog in the street
like his life wasnt sweet
and it probably wasnt.
Living life violently,
its commonly understood,
you'll lose your life quickly
as shots ring out in the 'hood.

Young folks running toward death
with haste
Why'd he have to get shot down
right before my face?
As the eyes of the little ones behold
this young man's blood running cold.

Listen young men
whether you be kin or friend.
Do you have to live this way?
Why does your family have to pay
By losing you to life in the streets?
You lack respect for those you meet.
You'll die too young!
Your life has barely begun!
Give yourself a chance to live,
a chance to grow,
a chance to give
something back to those younger brothers
coming up.
Reach them!
Teach them!
But first you've gotta learn
before you get burned
as shots ring out in the 'hood.

Making Some Changes

I am seriously in need of a make over...

I am about to turn 39 yrs old....
I have a new baby...
I have lost 57 lbs...( and yes I mean pre baby weight!)
I let my natural tresses grow and I have straightened them...
I need to make some changes in my outer appearance...

I also need an inner make over...

I have spent some time in a very deep depression....
I have been in a very stressful relationship....
I have been very near to hating this person...
I have neglected the very essence of who I am....
I need to make some changes to my innerwoman...


For my outer self...
A new wardrobe
A beauty shop appointment
A manicure and pedicure
An appointment at the MAC counter

For my inner self...
Prayer, praise and worship to the Creator
Positivity and Power
Preferring the Light of Love instead of the Darkness of Hate
Preparing time for the precious gift the Creator made me to be

Yeah... some changes are about to be made...

And change is GOOD!

How can anyone resist this face???

This is the little "bugger" that has been taking up all my time...I guess you can see why I can't find time to post... I get lost in his little eyes...mesmerized by his little smile... *sigh*... I am totally enamoured of this little fella!!

Love and Hate

Sometimes I think that love and hate are the same emotion... just different sides of it.
Let me explain what I mean. I have figured out that, in order to hate someone, you have to have loved them at some point... but you have let anger and disappointment cover up that love and change it. I mean, why waste such a powerfully motivation emotion such as hate on someone you don't give a hill of beans about? I mean, if we didn't care what a person did or said... why does it hurt so bad? If we have no emotion towards a person and their actions, then why are we utterly and completely disappointed when they fail to keep their word? Hate is then the DARK side to love... motivated by anger at the one you still love. How do I know this to be true? I have experienced hatred before. I hated this person so much so that I wouldn't even speak his name. And if someone else spoke his name, I was quick to leave their presence. Years later, he and I had an encounter and I realized that the reason I hated him was because of my disappointment. I expected some things to occur in our relationship that clearly did not happen. When I decided to FORGIVE him, I realized that I did still indeed love him but had not admitted that I was hurt behind loving him.

Now I'm not saying that hate is a GOOD thing... it isnt... it can tear at your soul, cause illnesses to occur in your body, and cause an early demise... all this even if you don't reach out to hurt the person you hate... and I seriously don't recommend reaching out to touch someone's life in that way either... revenge is a mutha(shut yo' mouth!)

I am dealing with a personal situation right now that can easily lead to me hating someone. I choose not to venture into the dark side of love... I wanna keep my heart lively, full of light... not the darkness that hatred can bring.

ok... ok.... i lied...

I said I was gonna post more... I just haven't had the time... a newborn takes up lots of you time... I am gonna try to do better... bare with me ok? lol

I know...
as a budding writer I should take advantage of this thing more... its just that with a near 3 mth old...a 9 year old, and a 13 year old, work, laundry and bottle washing.... its hard to get ME time...
to those who read my few and far between surmisings...thank you for reading and please forgive me.. I will do better...
=)

Friends

Friends till the end
Or so you said
This is the thought
that keeps going thru my head
but none of this rings true
Nothing you now say or do
is recognizable
as a friendship bond
~sigh~
And after I'd grown so fond
of you...
To have my friend
drop me like a bad habit
I feel ashamed
as if I'd been told
"Silly Rabbit!!"
Tricks really are for kids...
I'm almost sure that someone is
taking the place
I once held
you could have been honest
but you failed...
Failed to explain
show me your position
and make it plain
that our friendship was over
No... you're using big words
and giving back handed reasons
to try and cover
the fact that
your vibe has changed
causing me pain
just a shame!

Why couldnt you trust me with the truth
mannnnnnn.... whats the use?
Its done now, its over...
but I now and will always wonder
just what it is people mean
when they call me
"Friend."

Who do you think YOU are?

Lord knows, I've been asked this question many many times because of my straightforwardness. I many times will ask the questions that most folks are afraid to ask. I will say what is on my mind and not mince words. My sister says I live in a state of "entitlement".
I don't quite think that is the case with me, I just think I should be able to be me.

Today I read something that puts a different spin on the question, "Who do you think you are?"
Ms. Iyanla Vanzant writes, "What you believe about yourself is reflected in the people with whom you choose to align yourself." (excerpt from In The Meantime )

What a daunting statement!! This statement, if believed, makes you sit down and take a good look at the man/woman in the mirror. No longer can you feel victimized by the people in your life. What a liberating thing! We take responsibility for our own destiny! We choose how things go down based on what we think about ourselves.

Hmmmm....

I just wonder what folks will think of me now? Ha! It doesn't matter ... because I know who I am... and I know what I expect... and what I deserve... and I just do believe I AM "entitled" to it!

So, who do YOU think YOU are?

think about it....